Wednesday, September 5, 2012

A Battle I'm Not Willing to Fight

So, it seemed like Ruby was ready for potty training.  She had started doing tell-tale things like ducking behind shelves or curtains to do her business, and she would occasionally come up and tell me when she was wet or needed a diaper change.  And she's 27 months old, so all the guidebooks say that it's open season on potty training. 
We were armed with dozens of pairs of cute little underpants, "potty treats" (chocolate covered sunflower seeds, bribes for going in the potty), propaganda (Elmo potty books and DVD), and some excitement at the idea of only changing one child's diapers per day, not both.  We were given expert advice (although some of it conflicted, as all expert advice tends to do) from people who had been there, done that, and those who are in the trenches right now. 
That was a week or so ago.  Now, I am a broken shell of the potty trainer I once was. I am retreating from the battle lines.  I do not think she is ready, or at least she's not ready to do it without a fight, and it is not a fight I have the strength for right now. Battling with wearing the eye patch for 4 hours a day is quite enough, thank you. 
Ruby is just not interested in using the potty.  In the past week, she's had--I think--three times where she peed in the potty, and many more times where she peed on the floor.  The times she went in the potty were happy accidents, I think.  We happened to have her on at the right time, and it was a result of obsessively setting timers and taking her every X minutes.  She was not happy about it.  There was much whining, kicking, fussing, etc., and many, many trips where not a drop was squeezed out.  Tonight the last straw was when, after she had not gone for hours and had been drinking a lot of fluids, I had her on the potty for the umpteenth time and she must have let down her guard enough to let a trickle of pee out.  She immediately started fussing and saying, "All done, pants please.  Ruby done."  I tried cheering her on, offering treats, and thinking, "There must be more in her bladder than that.  Seriously."  But she would not let it go.  So, I let her get up, pull up her underwear, and gave her a treat (since she did technically go in the potty).  And then we went into her room where I kept a close eye on her.  She clearly was holding it, but if I said, "Ruby, let's go to the potty," she would start a fight.  Finally she peed on the floor and looked very relieved and then went off to play, apparently unconcerned that she was wet and leaving urine-y footprints everywhere. 
I felt like crying and exploding. I felt really trapped and hopeless, because a friend of ours--who potty trains kids as part of her job as a teacher of toddlers--had told us not to give up for at least two weeks.  "I've seen kids who just have only accidents for two weeks and then they finally get it," she said. I am sure that's true, and so I felt like I couldn't be a quitter.  What do I know?  I thought.
I sent a rather potty-mouthed text to Allen as I cleaned up the floor and prepared Ruby's bath.  He called back since his class hadn't started yet, and we talked about it, and decided that Ruby just doesn't seem to have the interest required, nor is she yet much bothered by being wet. 
So, we're throwing in the towel on this one for now.  I've heard it said to pick your battles wisely and not to pick them over biological functions.  You can't make a kid go to sleep.  You can technically force food down a child's throat, but it's not going to be a good experience.  You can't make a child pee or poop in the toilet without resorting to some really crazy/brutal tactics (like penetrating your child's anus with your finger until they poop?! Are you kidding me, crazy mother on an internet message board?! Pretty sure that's abuse.) 
I've been really down for the past week.  Down like I just lie in bed crying while the kids are napping (or supposedly napping).  I thought it had to do with going back to school.  But after my first week back going really well, I realized this evening that it has been about potty training.  It has been an exercise in trying to control the uncontrollable and perpetuating a horrible cycle.  Ruby acts up because she's two and she's tired of being made to sit on the potty every five to fifteen minutes.  I get frustrated with her and upset that she's not going.  She pees on the floor moments after she leaves the bathroom without being bothered by it; sometimes she stomps in it like it's a puddle on a rainy day!  All this while I'm trying to also watch Max, do laundry, prepare food, etc.  I get furious with Ruby and then furious with myself for being mad at her.  She's a two year old!! This is what they do! She is not out to get me or even trying to annoy me.  Ruby's quite capable of willful rebellion and I've seen plenty of it from her, but I don't think this is it.  My gut has been telling me for the past few days, This is going nowhere fast and dragging everyone down for no reason.  Let it go and try later when the time is right.  I had ignored it, but now I'm going to listen to it. 
But I'm still afraid. Afraid that someone will read this and think, "She's just caving to her child."  Afraid that they might be right.  That fear is fear of man, not fear of the Lord.  People are too big in my life and God is too small.  I worry far more about pleasing people than I do about pleasing Him.  Living in a house full of people makes it even harder, because I hate conflict and just try to avoid it at all costs; and when you live in this house, conflict happens!  Any house full of people, yes, but this house could probably get a reality TV gig (hmmm, money making opportunity?).  And I'm worried about how I'm supposed to please all the people in my life and get everyone to like me and think I'm good at ________. And what about when those people I'm supposed to make happy have different requests of me?

I need to please my mom by moving to STL next spring.
I need to please my husband's relative by staying here.

I need to please my housemates by ignoring/forgiving/turning a blind eye to whatever they are doing that might annoy me.
I need to please my husband by calling housemates out on things.

I need to please myself and my kids by being with my kids all the time.
I need to make money to support the family.

I need to follow the sage advice of person X about potty training who advocates keeping Ruby on the potty until she produces no matter how long it takes.
I need to follow the sage advice of person Y who says of person X's approach, "That's crazy, do it this other way."
And don't forget persons Z, A, and B who have their own advice (solicited, I must add) to throw in the mix.

No wonder I feel overwhelmed!  Talk about a battle.  I'm trying to go to the mat for everyone without really considering what God's voice is in all of this.  And for what? Yes, some of these people genuinely want me to do things their way, but most probably don't really care because how I plan out my life is not going to affect them in the slightest!  They are not going to be hurt if I don't do what they say, and if they are, that is on them, right?  (My people-pleasing nature hates that phrase, because if anyone's not happy, I obviously need to fix it. Because clearly I can fix everything.  Ha ha.)

My self-care has been nonexistent lately, too.  A future blogpost, no doubt.  But for now, it feels good just to say this as a bottom line:
I give up.  I give up trying to be the best parent, the best teacher, the best housemate, the best wife, the best blogger, the best aspiring writer, the best Creative Memories consultant, the best churchgoer, the best friend, the best __________________.  I can't fight that battle any more than I can force my kid to potty train right now, even if her friend who is her age is already potty trained.  Ruby didn't say her first word until she was almost 15 months old; said friend was already talking in phrases at that point.  Maybe Ruby's a slow talker and a slow potty trainer comparatively.  I just need to remember the little song, "In His time, in His time; He makes all things beautiful in HIS time."  Not my time, not Allen's time, not anyone else's time, but in God's time.  Amen!

2 comments:

  1. All the parenting advice in the world is no substitute for trusting your gut. You know your child and yourself better than anyone else does. Good for you for listening, and trusting yourself. Ruby will be ready when she's ready. My coworker's little girl didn't start potty training until she was almost three, and then it was over in a snap, because she was old enough to really understand and take the responsibility for herself. I think as parents the desire is certainly to push for getting out of diapers sooner, but we have to remember it's not about us, it's about our children, and what's best for them. You're doing a great job!

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  2. Oh, Wuby! Hang in there, sweetie! Diapers aren't forever, they just feel that way. The underpants will still fit when Ruby is ready. And you don't have to move here in the spring---summer will be fine. (just kidding!) Of course we'd love to have you close enough to see easily, but we know it isn't up to us. Love ya bunches!

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